Seven Deadly Sins for the Modern Age

Image courtesy of blackeri on DeviantART

1. Apathy

Over the years the British public have become increasingly apathetic about politics. Occasionally we will rise up in fury in reaction to the odd, unpopular piece of policy or indiscretion by a rogue MP, but eventually the spin doctors smooth out our ruffled feathers and we settle back into our default position of am I bovvered? Voter turnout peaked at 83% in the early 1950’s but has since slumped more than 20% to 61% in the 2005 general election. Do we really care so little for how we are governed, and by whom? Here’s a happy statistic: if you earn £30,000 pa, you will pay an average of £264,000 over your lifetime in income tax alone. You don’t care about that, but you do care what Ashley Cole texted Cheryl last night? EUGH. I DESPAIR.

2. Bitchiness

I have been fortunate enough to observe some genuine bitching pros in their natural habitat: the private girls’ school, a haven of hormones and self-doubt where the accomplished bitch can flourish. An individual truly skilled in the art of bitching can transform almost any trait into something to be mocked and derided by their braying band of slavish devotees. Look at the calves / shoes / nose / face / hair of that fat / anorexic, poor / rich, frigid / slutty, stupid / geeky, upper class / middle class / lower class / working class scumbag. (Delete as appropriate). Where once these charming musings were limited to the common room clique, with the advance of such devices as Facebook and Twitter the internet is the bitch’s oyster, allowing him or her to parade their acerbic observations to malleable young minds across the world.

3. Greed

The more observant among you will note that Greed was, in fact, one of the seven original deadly sins but I felt that I couldn’t possibly leave it off the list given its’ modern day poignancy. With bankers taking home pay packets in the millions and ambulances needing hefty reinforcements to cope with the surge in obesity, it seems we can’t resist stuffing our mouths, and our wallets. We prioritise the short term fix – a sinfully sticky sponge or a new silk blouse – over long term fulfilment and happiness. LML isn’t suggesting we all live off wild berries and wear 100% eco sacks hand-braided from reconstituted goat hairs, that’s crazy hippy talk and everyone needs the occasional perk. But when consuming – cake, cars, clothes, phones - becomes the fallback position in life, as opposed to a well-deserved treat, is when we have to stop and take a long, hard look at our behaviour.   

4. Self-Obsession

Vanity, ‘an excessive pride in, or admiration of, one's own appearance or achievements’ was on the original list and although I initially considered it for the modern version I didn’t feel it adequately reflected the modern tendency for people to be so completely and utterly fascinated by their own lives. The people tweeting their every thought, or updating their Facebook status 1,487 times a day do not appear to have an excessive pride in their appearance or achievements, they are simply violently obsessed with....themselves. 

‘Jst had beans4brekfast, LOL!’ 

I wish someone would tell me what exactly is LOL about beans for breakfast. Is it the heightened capacity to dispel bodily vapours? Perhaps it’s a private in-joke between the bean lover and another? In which case, why put an in-joke on facebook? Or maybe it’s the fact that Mr. Bean will cackle like a hyena at absolutely anything: “Going for a drink of water LOL!!”, “Can’t find the washing power, LOL!LOL!LOL!” Groan, groan, groan.

5. Intolerance

Everywhere LML looks there is intolerance of difference, as certain groups and individuals try and promote their way of life as the only way of life. Islamic extremists are intolerant of the West. Western extremists are intolerant of Islam. Atheists are intolerant of religions. Religions are intolerant of reasoned debate. Well, LML is intolerant of intolerance. Why can’t people just accept that we all have different value-systems, beliefs, cultures and traditions and that these differences, warts and all, enrich a world that would otherwise be, let’s face it, pretty dull. 

6. Impatience

Iwantthisarticletobefinished,whyisittakingsobloodylong?

7. Superficiality

LML admits to having a minor obsession with the new dating game show ‘Take Me Out’ in which thirty single women decide over a series of tests whether or not they would date a man. If more than one woman wants to date him by the end of the testing then the man may choose who he takes out. It’s fantastically entertaining and a perfect illustration of our next vice in all its brilliant Technicolor glory. The reasons the women can find not to date someone are truly amazing: “The shirt he’s wearing clashes with my lipstick.” Or “he said he looks after his disabled mother, but I want a man who will look after me!” Seriously, you just said that on national television? Good lord. Mind you, the men are just as bad. When given a choice between two women, one slightly less conventionally attractive than the other, this is the result every single time: The short, curvy brunette will implore “I’m really intelligent, I volunteer with disabled puppies and I work as a comedian in my spare time” and the guy will smile encouragingly before picking the big boobed giraffe who can’t spell her own name.